‘Twas two days before Christmas’
By The Kidd Brothers
(Loose interpretation of a poem by some guy named Clement Clarke Moore)
‘Twas two days before Christmas and all through the city
The “Occupy Movement” has passed…Oh What a Pity;
The parks are a mess and their tents are all missing,
But the pepper spray proved effective said the 1% reminiscing;
Our friends were nestled all snug in...
[read more] ‘Twas two days before Christmas’
By The Kidd Brothers
(Loose interpretation of a poem by some guy named Clement Clarke Moore)
‘Twas two days before Christmas and all through the city
The “Occupy Movement” has passed…Oh What a Pity;
The parks are a mess and their tents are all missing,
But the pepper spray proved effective said the 1% reminiscing;
Our friends were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of capitalism danced in their heads;
Northwest Portland is the place to start our great mission,
For it’s the perfect location for those with ambition,
When out on 21st there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed and nearly emptied my bladder.
Down to the street I flew like a flash,
Occupied the bank and took out some cash.
The sun in the sky as I’m holding my head
Gave the luster of mid-day drinking to dread,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But hundreds of friends, and unlimited beer,
With a little stagger, I nearly take a fall,
I know in a moment it must be the Kidd Crawl.
Like a flock of locusts they came,
Screaming, and shouting, and cheering in vain;
“Hey, Portland! Hey, world! “WE” are the 99 Percent!
We have jobs and pay taxes, and no need to vent.
We have charities to support so spare a few cents.
Make your way to the bar, cocktails for all!
Now cash away! Cash away! Cash away all!”
It’s a non-Occupant work day, so put in for time off,
If the Grinch should say “no”, begin the cough cough.
Now off to the Crawl with my beer I flew,
A tray full of shots and a candy cane too.
Over the crowd, I heard from the bartender,
“This one’s on me!!!” that’ll jump start this bender.
As I slammed my beer, and was turning around,
Down the street, away the crew went with a bound.
They were laughing, and partying from bar to bar,
With their friends in tow, it’s not over by far;
The Gypsy is the destination of this pack,
As they remembered the past and couldn’t wait to get back.
Their eyes -- how they twinkled! Their dimples how merry!
Their cheeks were like roses, their noses like cherries!
This party continues with 4 bars in a row,
As the poor, miserable staff fails to put end to this show;
North 45 is the first stop, their staff glimmering with cheer,
They don’t know what’s coming and don’t have enough beer;
The party continues, on into the night,
That rocks Northwest Portland with all of its might.
Strongly encouraged, you are to appear,
For the fun will continue as it does every year.
After the Gypsy, we try to continue,
But typically fail to achieve the next venue;
Last year was great, but this will be better,
So dust off your shoes and put on your sweater,
The Kidd brothers invite you to kick into high gear,
We’ve got rules and a schedule; you have nothing to fear;
Leave car keys behind and bring fun to spare,
And a couple of dollars for taxi fare.
We will begin at 4 o’clock; it will be out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good-night."
The Route:
(All times and places are approximate)
4:00-5:00pm North 45 Pub
5:00-6:00 Santa Fe
6:00-7:00 Nob Hill
7:00-Close Gypsy
Management:
Two (2) democratically elected fascists with whistles will be on hand to sound ten (10) minute warnings and see that rules are enforced. (11 years running and I’ve never heard a whistle…don’t expect things to change)
(Broken Rules result in little or no punishment…)
The House Rules:
1. The medically recommended maximum weekly intake of alcohol is 12 units for females and 19 units for males. If you give up alcohol for your New Year’s Resolution, you can just spread this day’s consumption over the next year and the math pencils…trust us.
2. Enter the crawl at your own risk. Exit at your own peril.
3. Non child bearing attendees caught drinking non-alcoholic beverages will be placed under the supervision of a more responsible crawler.
4. Your hosts cannot and will not be held liable for loss of memory/valuables/life/limb/virginity, etc. as a result of your participation.
5. There is no rule #5….please re-read rule #4.
6. Designated Driver: MANDATORY. You never know when you might decide to run for President. We all agree, pregnant wives, girlfriends and friends are perfect for this role, however, it is considered poor judgment to announce “this is the BEST PART of her getting pregnant!”
Tricks of the Trade (from experienced crawlers):
North 45 Pub:
PACE YOURSELF: Having too much whiskey at the 1st stop is a critical and strategic mistake. This is a marathon, not a sprint. Lingering at North 45 to head directly to the Gypsy is discouraged and will be punished to the full extent of the law. Our attorneys have assured us that there are provisions in Federal Law for such an action.
Santa Fe:
BUDDY SYSTEM: Make sure that you are always in contact with a few people you know. One of you is bound to notice that the pack is starting to migrate to the next bar…
Nob Hill:
COAT YOUR INNARDS: Get your feed on. This fine establishment provides us with delicious delectable treats that help us survive. True, almost everything is fried, but there’s 5 more months of winter clothes ahead, so just eat it, you’ll thank us the day after.
Gypsy:
MAKE NEW FRIENDS: Everyone on this crawl will be intelligent and good looking…this is an excellent place to meet new people. Also, you will notice that some people become better looking as the crawl wears on. If this occurs, be sure to consult your Buddy System network before taking action.
All of Above:
MANNERS: Be patient with the bar staff. Remember, no amount of notice can prepare the staff for what inevitably turns up every year. Also, it is considered very good manners to tip…just don’t assume you know the best place to put the bills.
Tardiness:
Tolerated, but not encouraged. Even though we’ve paid enough over the years for the Gypsy to expand, they’ve only remodeled. So, don’t get left out in the cold again waiting in a never ending line. Come early to insure acceptance. Late arrivals will (at a minimum) be laughed at and talked about, but most likely ignored. Reparations will be considered and determined on a case-by-case basis. Please plan accordingly.
