It's kickball season again, bitches. And you know what that means!
Actually, you might not, so listen up.
First of all, I know you have all been working out and getting yourselves physically ready for a grueling kickball season, but I have a killer exercise lined up for you to kick it into overdrive in the last few weeks leading up to the season kickoff.
Question time: What exercise gets your legs pumping, works your biceps, erases your memory, takes three days off your life, and rhymes with tar ball?
Bar Craaaaaawwwwllllll! That's right, the ultimate warm-up.
It's Sunday, March 4th and we've got specials everywhere. Well, really only at the bars we'll be crawling.
We are going to start with flip cup, end with flip cup, and in the middle we will be drinking. Here's the lineup:
*2PM - Abbey Tavern*
$12 Bud/Bud Light 60 OUNCE pitchers
Yup, big 'ol pitchers of bud and bud light for your flip cup pleasure. Get things started... wrong. But also so right. So right.
*3PM - Bitter End*
$4 well drinks
Did you get stomped on the flip cup tables? Were you standing across from some hot guy or chick and you really wanted to get them a fancy drink to impress them, but you only have five bucks on you? Well, well, well. We've got $4 well drinks for you high rollers, and $2 PBRs for the rest of us. Drink away that buzz you're stuck with and ease into the day at our second bar, the Bitter End.
*4PM - Fizzee's*
$3 vodka well drinks
Does it ever seem like the drinks get cheaper as you get more drunk? That's actually happening. Vodka well drinks are $3 dollars, and your life will feel considerably less valuable the next day if you make it through a grueling hour at Fizzees.
*5PM - Ireland's 32*
$8 pitchers of Rolling Rock
$4 well drinks
$2 well drinks!?!? No, but you'll be so shithoused at this point that you won't remember how you got the $17 in change that's in your pocket, or why the homeless guy in the alley is bleeding. And that gets you four well drinks to yourself. Or one for you and three for your new, way-too-drunk friends. If you need to sober up, pitchers of rolling rock are cheap enough that you can either drink them or pour them over your head. And if you still know your own name and/or are capable of standing, there's flip cup. For some people, standing or being able to speak in coherent sentences has no effect on flip cup skills.
Assuming you survive the harrowing boozefest that is the greatest, cheapest bar crawl in the history of 2012, there's a whole season of kickball waiting for you. Here's a little bit on what to expect, with a history of kickball appended at the end:
Fogtown plays Sundays at high noon/1PM at Little Rec Field by "Hippie Hill" in Golden Gate Park
Season starts March 18th!
Parties coming up:
This Inner Richmond Pub Crawl
Charity fundraising night at the Fishbowl
Bowling night at Presidio bowling center
Our end of season party at Butter
If, somehow, you are a kickball virgin, here is a brief history of the sport:
Kickball originated in the fields of Southeastern Mexico, where the Aztec tribes would play a ritualistic game involving bases and the decapitated heads of their enemies. The losing team would be sacrificed to the Gods and, sometimes, the winning team would also be massacred in homage to the Gods. Upon witnessing the Aztec championship game in Tenochitlan, during which seven players were killed and the entire losing team was sacrificed, along with the umpires and a hot dog vendor, one of Hernan Cortez's crew members brought a form of the game, using an inflated pig's bladder in place of an enemy head, back to the fields of Spain. The game soon caught on and spread throughout Europe. However, as the game grew in power and influence, with Seargents-at-Arms being replaced by Kickball masters in the Royal Courts of Europe and Asia, the Catholic Church became jealous. With a papal bull, Pontiff Clement I banned all forms of Pegabalon, or kickball, from all of Europe. Soon thereafter, kings and emperors from all corners of the world followed suit, and kickball became a remnant of the past. However, a few brave souls formed secret societies and, upon penalty of death, waged midnight kickball battles. Having barely survived the Spanish Inquisition and the days of the English Star Chamber intact, these secret societies, hunted by authorities in every country and hated by other secret societies jealous of their kickballing skills, sent their last remaining members across the ocean to the newly formed colony of America.
Relegated to the budding colony of America, kickball remained an underground sport, being taught only to children, whose innocent play and lack of skill eased the fears of Presidents and Governors who opposed the game. The secret societies, however, began to recruit, in anticipation of one day reviving themselves in the full light of day, and restoring their power. A brief revival was ended when the Civil War broke out, which, unbeknownst to most, was largely due to the fact that Confederate and Union kickball leagues alike allowed members of all races to play together, on the same field, and it didn't go over well with the cotton farmers. With more than two thirds of the membership killed in action, and entire kickball squads wiped out in some of the larger battles, most notably Gettysburg, kickball once again was relegated to the shadows. The enemies of kickball could breathe easy once again, but they had forgotten one important thing: kickball never dies.
And though such notables as Rockefeller and J.P. Morgan conspired to eliminate kickball once and for all, kickball was not without its own allies. Teddy Roosevelt was a closet kickballer, leading a team of his "roughriders" to the Cuban championship while on a tour of duty. Eugene Debs, the great socialist, was also a kickballer whose most famous saying, though often misquoted, was originally: "While there is a flip cup element, I am of it, While there is a kickball team, I am on it, and while there is a soul in prison, I am not free." Once the Sherman Antitrust Act kicked in, and labor unions came to power, however, kickballing once again began its slow but steady return to prominence.
And through this long period of instability, with the secret societies of kickball carefully guarding their secrets and clinging to the shadows, one band of brave kickballers maintained the sacred traditions of years past. A brave few endeavored to return the game to its former glory, but until recently, the ancient secrets of kickball remained a well-guarded secret.
Come now that ancient tribe of dedicated kickball masters. The true leaders of kickball have returned to rule the kickball world and to instruct the heathens in the mystic forces of kickball, once known only to the ancient Aztec ruler Moctezuma, whose spirit now guides the guardians of his legacy.
These brave descendants of the greatest kickballers in history, true mavericks in the sport, have been reunited under one banner: FOGTOWN.
Yes, the sons and daughters of kickball have returned to reign over the sport that is rightfully theirs, and this year they emerge, every Sunday, fighting through the fog of war in the remnants of the ancient Golden Gate Empire. Fogtown is back.